Saturday, July 30, 2011


I am awesome.  Here's why.

I can't remember the words to any lullabies.  ANY.  Seriously.  So I have been singing "The Lumberjack Song" to the Captain to get him to go to sleep.  Yes, THAT "The Lumberjack Song."  My child will be singing about crossdressing just as soon as he can sing.  In my family, Monty Python is considered "culture."  Possibly because they're British.  And awesome.

I was on the phone with my sister the other day and nursing the baby.  He finished and I was playing with him.  I held him over my head.  He spit up on my face.  Awesome.

That's why I'm awesome.

Have a nice day.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Summer Wind-down

The end of summer approaches!  I know it seems early, but I have to start working on my classroom as soon as possible.  The week I 'actually' have to go back is full of meetings and such, so I need to start NOW!  I feel like summer has barely begun and it's already time to get back to work.  I know that I love teaching, and I love the little miscreants who I teach, but I just can't stand the idea of leaving my own little munchkin.  He will be staying with my mother in law, which is great (she lives super close by and adores the crap out of him, as well she should), but I hate the idea that I'm not there.  I want to be the one holding him and talking to him and watching him do new things.  I've already told her that she won't be seeing any of his firsts.  She may THINK she does, but really he waited for mommy and daddy before it actually happened.

Does going back to work make me a good mommy or a bad mommy?  I don't think there is an answer to this.  Duckie is in school full time, so to live in our lovely house and to drive our lovely cars and to eat our lovely food I need to keep working.  So, work = good mommy.  On the other hand, I'm leaving my precious little munchkin with someone other than me.  He will miss me and be a clingy little monkey when I get home.  So, abandoning child to go to work = bad mommy.  But staying at home also comes with the lovely stigma of society that I don't do anything all day and I must just sit around eating bonbons.  NOT TRUE!  I get to be SAHM during the summer and working mommy during the school year.  Best and worst of both worlds!

Now, you need to understand that I suck at housekeeping.  My house is much messier than I like and I can never seem to get anything done.  While there may be bonbon eating on occasion, it is only because that's the only food I can reach while the Captain is napping in my arms.  That bonbon was breakfast.  Or lunch.  Possibly both.  What do I do all day?  I have no freaking clue.  I nursed the baby.  He napped in my lap.  He woke up, I changed his diaper and nursed him again.  He napped in my lap.  He woke up, I set him in the crib so I could pee, he cried while I did this, I changed him and nursed him again.  So yeah, I keep a human being alive.  No, I can't run an errand for you or babysit your child.  Sorry.  I know I'm a teacher, and so therefore the most awesomest babysitter ever, but no.  I don't babysit.  I spend time with my child, and I panic about the next school year (during the summer) or plan for the next day or grade papers (during the school year).  The reason I don't bring your child home with me after school is because if you don't take your child away at the end of the school day I will lose my mind.  The reason summer is so long?  Survival of the species.  If teachers had to teach year-round with no breaks (I'm not talking about the year-round schooling that has breaks, because that's OK) they would all go insane.  There would be blood.  Possibly death.  It would not be pretty.  I don't want to see children outside of school (apart from my own).  I don't want to have awkward supermarket conversations with kids and their parents.  Don't get me wrong - I love the shout and wave.  You see me in the store, you shout my name, maybe run over for a hug, no problem.  Takes 3 seconds and everyone leaves happy.  Awesome.  But don't look in my shopping cart!  You don't need to know that I'm buying beer, wine, and coolers.  You don't need to know that I have an unhealthy addiction to Jane Austen movies.  You don't want to know these things.  Trust me.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Birthdays Part III

My big day has come and gone and it was AMAZING!  I took the baby over to the neighbor's house to visit and ended up spending 2 or 3 hours there.  My wonderful hubby surprised me with season 3 of True Blood (not really a surprise) and "Bossypants" by Tina Fey (awesome surprise).  We took the baby with us to dinner and ate delicious sushi and even tried new kinds.  The peanut butter pie was fantastic and we still have a whole one left!  Tomorrow we do the shopping for my Saturday extravaganza.  There could be as few as 16 people and as many as 45.  Awesome!

The Captain no longer fits in his 0-3 month clothes that fit him YESTERDAY.  3-6 months here we come!  Thanks to my sister, we don't have to go broke fixing this child up with clothing.  Also, because we are obviously insane, we got another dog!  That makes 3 humans, 3 cats, and 3 dogs in the house now.  They'll  be fitting me for a lovely rubber room any day now.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Birthdays Part II

I'm feeling much better about birthdays this evening than I was this morning!  Duckie made me a frozen peanut butter pie for tomorrow, he'll be taking me out for sushi (woohoo!) and apparently has some idea for a gift.  Duckie has this amazing talent with gifts:  he gives me one then claims it was all he could find.  He then at some other point during the day asks me to hand him something.  I go to get that something and surprise!  There's another gift there!  It's like a treasure hunt you didn't even know you were on!  I love it!  I've only managed this trick on him like once, but it was awesome.  I'm planning on doing this for the Captain as soon as he's old enough to know what I'm asking him to do!  I'll also be spending the morning with a great friend, so the awesomeness is compounding.

The good keeps happening!  My father in law has spent the last couple months acting very odd, and now appears to be back to normal!  I'm really really happy about this because I don't want to have a strained relationship with the Captain's grandpa, especially since they live right down the hill.  We're also working on getting internet that doesn't totally bite.  Fingers crossed!  Internet seems to be the only downfall to living out in the country.


My birthday is tomorrow.  I hate my birthday.  Not because I'm getting older.  My age has yet to bother me.  I hate my birthday because it always sucks.  I love birthday parties, and making a big deal out of the birthday star, and eating cake, and watching people open presents, and all of that good stuff.  This never seems to happen on my birthday.  At most I can gather a few family members together.  My husband forgets to get me a gift, people say they will show up and never do, and it all just seems like maybe I'm not worth it.  I don't want this to turn into a pity party and I don't want this blog to be just me bitching, but I just feel so worthless on my birthday.  I can't think of a great birthday.  Ever.  When I was little no one could ever come because it's during the summer and everyone was always away.  Now that I'm an adult the situation really hasn't changed.  I nearly teared up when my coworkers gave me an early birthday party at the end of the school year.  It meant so much to me that they thought of me.  I'm trying for a big party again this year - I sent out invitations on facebook and we'll see what happens.  I'm not expecting much, but the 2 families who have said they will come are the main ones who I'll have fun with, so I kind of have high hopes.  I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, though, so I'm trying to not get too excited.  I hope my son's birthdays don't suck.  I'm going to make it my goal for him to have awesome birthdays.  I am determined to give him the sweet parties that I never get.  I want  him to feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile, the way I know I should.  I'm going to read myself Dr. Seuss's Birthday Book tomorrow.  I'm GOING to have a great day.  I will make it happen!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Here Goes!

I'm going to start out by saying that I have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm currently being kicked in the face by my only offspring, who I have been referring to as Captain Von Squirtingham.  The Captain and I get to spend the whole summer together while his daddy is in school.  The Captain is 3 months old, which is why he can get away with kicking me in the face.  He can't help it, his feet just go.

I'm starting this blog in the hopes that it will keep me from going insane.   I work as a teacher and don't know what to do with  myself during the summer anyway, and now I am responsible for someone else as well.

My precious little ball of bodily fluids was born in April and has been oozing ever since.   I don't remember what I was going to write, because he just leaked again - all over me - so yeah.  I can't get anything done during the day as the Captain refuses to nap and when he does nap, he must be held.  Period.  Or there is no nap.  I thank my lucky stars and any local deities that the child sleeps through the night.  Don't hate me, I have no control over this.  He's a freak.  I'm not sure he's human.  He looks human, but that doesn't mean anything.

Living with the Captain and I, since he happens to be my lovely hubby and babydaddy, is Duckie.  I call him this because we all know that Andie totally needed to end up with the Duckster, and I believe that after the movie ended she did.  He is my Duckie.  My best friend and all that gooshy stuff.  He is also the most awesomest person there is.  I hit the jackpot with him.  The only thing he doesn't do is lactate, and I'm trying to talk him into doing that.  I don't know why, but he just won't do it!

Last summer we bought a double-wide (our first house!) and got a surprise (the Captain), so it has been a busy year.  I would have a bajillion kids if they could be like the Captain.  Then there are my four-legged children.  Three cats and two dogs.  They are still my babies and they still sleep in bed with us at night, and if you think that animals and kids don't mix, you can suck it.

I am in my twenties.  I graduated from college and starting working on my Master's degree, but then I procreated, so I stopped.  I want to go back to school some day, but not while I have to take care of the Captain 24/7.  I would rather gauge my eyes out with a q-tip then work, lactate, and go to school all at the same time.

I am ridonkulously excited about the last Harry Potter movie.  My birthday present to me is going to see it on Friday.  Now I just need someone to watch the offspring.  Woops.